Where is the pull?

The apparent pull between the two worlds can be hard work. Especially when I forget that there is only one world and the other is an illusion.

Confusion & Conflict

I do not want the answer. After all what would I do. I need this struggle and conflict, it defines me. All these years of seeking have defined me. Who would I be without them? Yet I am finding they have no weight anymore. There is something more truthful arising. Something more real. Only if I attempt to grasp it enough to define it, I loose it. The whole of this is becoming more and more surreal. But I still hang on in there and try and make it real and serious.

A section from On Having No Head by Douglas Harding sums it up.

......who of us would want to become finders, as long as our search so meaningfully - so nobly! - structures our time and wards off boredom, and as long as the nothing - which some say lies at the end of our quest - reads at this safe distance much more like a unveiled threat than a veiled promise? No we have every reason to remain humble seekers! We are not enlightened! The fact is that in us all lurks an existential terror, a powerful and altogether natural resistance to what - seemingly - amounts to sudden death and annihilation.