Struggle

Is there anything is this world that is not a struggle? That is certainly not what I am experiencing at the moment.
As long as I see myself as this little me inside a bigger reality then I have misidentified who I really am. This will by default will create some sort of friction. So how do I let that reality go? In my experience any way that is simple will do it. That is not to say it is easy! We (that is human race) appear to like complexity. The more complex it is the greater the distraction from truth. In fact anything that perpetuates the the illusion that we are here and that we have somewhere else to be, keeps us here. So there we go chasing material items and never being satisfied. Even when we think we have advanced and see the folly in doing that and move on to mental, emotional or spiritual seeking, we are still stuck as a seeker. Whilst I identify with being a seeker I will never find. Without anything to do (seeking) I am left with ............... ? A void. That will never do. I can feel the threat in that as I write this. The next step I want to take is to remove the threat. I can only try and remove something I perceive as real. I can feel myself getting caught up in doing something to change things. Oops, once again I have lost awareness of my true self.

Transition

Next birthday to arrive is my 50th which I am sure has something to do with why I am doing this blog. The last two major birthdays (30th & 40th) have shook things up but nothing to compare with this one.

Am I really going to loose all this. Yes. Sometimes the impact of that shakes me to the core. I have been seriously wondering how I am going to cope.
Then I get moments where I do not want anything to change because of the deep sense of peace that comes with them. Usually it is out in nature. I regard myself as fortunate when it comes to my journey to and from work. I drive through the countryside from one town to another and at the moment it is changing daily as it gets greener and greener. With window open, even queuing for traffic lights can be a blessing. A brief time out in the day that is a blessing and something I am very grateful for.

These are images of where I drive.

I know this is all so transitory and yet .............. I have these moments when I feel that stillness that underlies everything. That space where nothing changes.

A quote I recall from the past - "You are where your attention lies"
Most of the time mine, lies out there and is very small, that's when I feel discomfort of one sort or another.

A Big Jolt

I was talking about my relationship with ACIM. So I regarded myself as a serious student and that I could talk my way round the course pretty well. I believed that I knew what it was saying. Then probably a couple of years ago I came across a to be released book that I read snippets out of on Amazon. It was called Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. It was an instant knowing that I would get this book. Like many Course in Miracle students this book had a huge impact on my understanding of the Course. So now, although I have the right teaching for me, it is not an easy journey. I grok what it means and to my ego it can feel a huge threat to its well being and survival. I hope I can elaborate on what I mean by this at a later date.
Now off to watch the highly spiritual programme of Red Dwarf.

A Course

Feeling slightly more relaxed about this blogging.

This morning I have come back to A Course in Miracles not that I can leave it. I first came across the book about 25 years ago. A bookshop I was working in had it on the shelf at a time when I was soaking up anything I was drawn to. I would be drawn to a book and always read it cover to cover. It was always what I needed at the time and felt that I was uncovering something I new anyway. I was very much into Paganism at the time so it could appear to be a strange choice. This book though was not read. It sat there for many a year, with a few tentative dips into it. Not until I got into Rebirthing did I start to take it more seriously. Even then I was not getting it, I may have though I was, but ......
As time goes on I finely work through the lessons with a friend. I start to gain a greater understanding. It stays with me. I cannot loose it no matter how hard I try. I keep trying to find the answer elsewhere including going back to old books. But every time I was brought back to ACIM. I now see this flitting around as an avoidance or resistance. I still do it. I can even see what I am going to do sometimes before I do it. So as ACIM says I forgive myself for not doing it.

So today I put on A Course CD as I am driving to work. It was one of those times when I new I was hearing what I needed to hear. A reaffirming that it is right for me.

So I have finally done it.

I hear artists can have trouble putting the first mark on the canvas and I think I have been having the same difficulty.
Now I have done it I find myself at a loss for words. So much has been passing through my mind planning what I wanted to do, then ............
Not really even that sure why I want to do this. I just feel driven.

I find myself at a strange point in my life, well it feels that way. I am approaching 50. So what is the big deal? For me their are thoughts and feeling arising that are new and at times overwhelmingly confusing.

I have been on a journey of investigation into finding that thing that is best known as God. Other words such as Truth, Spirit, Peace, Freedom and Love have been used at times, to make it more palatable to different people.

I can see how I have passed from one teaching to another. Taken on beliefs, professing them to be true, trying them on like a suit. They would appear to fit for a while and then I would find that they never totally fit comfortably. I would evangelise about them to others believing for a while that I had found the answer.
The list seems endless - Food, Zen, TM, Rebirthing, NLP, A Course in Miracles to name a few.
So what is the difference now? I want to jump in with an answer, only there is not one ready to hand. That is part of the discomfort, certainly not a pat answer. Maybe it is the other way round, an answer is emerging for me, I am just not comfortable with it.

A ramble I know, but better to come I hope.